Is it normal for children to bite, hit or push at childcare?

There are few childcare moments that trigger panic quite like getting a message or incident report saying your child bit, hit or pushed another child - or hearing that your child was the one hurt.

For many parents, it immediately brings up feelings of embarrassment, guilt, worry or protectiveness. You can quickly find yourself wondering, Is this normal?” or “Should I be worried?”.

But one of the most reassuring things we heard when speaking to early childhood teacher and registered play therapist Emma Rattenbury on the Between Us Mums podcast was this:

Children aren’t waking up saying, ‘I’m going to bite my friend today.

Emma explained that behaviours like biting, hitting and pushing are incredibly common during the toddler and preschool years, when children are still learning how to communicate, regulate emotions, cope with frustration and manage big feelings in busy social environments. While that doesn’t make these incidents easy, it does help us try to make sense of why they happen.

Why these behaviours happen in childcare

Childcare environments place huge social and emotional demands on young children. Even in the most calm, supportive and nurturing settings, children are navigating:

noise
transitions
waiting
sharing
sensory stimulation
group routines
separation from parents
friendships and social dynamics

That’s a lot for little nervous systems to manage. Emma explained on the podcast that behaviour is often communication.

Generally speaking, behaviour is either communicating an unmet need or a skill that’s still under construction.

For toddlers especially, behaviours like biting, hitting, pushing, grabbing are often linked to things like:

frustration
overwhelm
tiredness
sensory needs
difficulty communicating
emotional regulation still developing

Not “bad behaviour” or bad parenting.

Why biting is so common in toddlers

Biting, in particular, can feel especially upsetting for parents because it feels aggressive and shocking. But developmentally, biting is actually very common in toddlerhood. Young children may bite because:

they don’t yet have the words to communicate
they’re overwhelmed
they’re seeking sensory input
they’re frustrated
they’re protecting space or toys
they’re tired or dysregulated

Emma reminded us that toddlers are still learning the skills adults take for granted such as impulse control and emotional regulation. And sometimes, those big feelings come out physically before children know how to manage them another way.

“My child never does this at home”

This is one of the most common things parents say after receiving an incident report, and it can feel incredibly confusing. But as Emma explained on the podcast, home and childcare are very different environments with very different emotional, social and sensory demands on children.

Different behaviour in different environments is often a very normal response to different demands.

If this is something you’re experiencing, we go into this further in Why does my child behave differently at childcare than at home?

What educators are doing when incidents happen

When biting, hitting or pushing happens in childcare, educators are not simply ignoring it or hoping it goes away. They are usually:

supervising closely
helping children regulate emotions
teaching social skills
supporting communication
identifying patterns and triggers
comforting the child who was hurt
helping both children move forward safely

Importantly, quality educators approach these situations calmly, not shamefully. The goal is not punishment. The goal is helping children learn.

Why incident reports can feel so emotional

Even when incidents are developmentally normal, incident reports can still feel confronting. If your child hurt another child, you may feel ashamed, guilty, defensive or perhaps worried about judgement. If your child was hurt, you may feel angry, protective or anxious about your little one's safety. All of these feelings are understandable. But Emma reminded us of something really important:

It’s not always a representation of the quality of care - it’s a representation of children being at a certain stage of development.

In many cases, incident reports are actually a sign that:

educators are paying attention
supervision is happening
communication with families is being prioritised

What helps most when behaviours happen

When children are biting, hitting, or struggling in other ways, the most supportive response is staying calm, staying consistent, and perhaps most importantly - looking beneath the behaviour to understand what’s driving it. Children do best when the adults around them work together to identify the underlying need or trigger and support them through it, rather than focusing only on the behaviour itself.

When should parents seek extra support?

Occasional biting, hitting or pushing can be a very normal part of toddler development. But if behaviours:

are becoming frequent or escalating
are causing ongoing distress
seem difficult for the child to recover from
are happening across multiple environments

…it may help to seek additional support. That could involve:

speaking with educators
talking with your GP
consulting a child psychologist, OT or speech pathologist
exploring sensory or emotional regulation support

Seeking support is not an overreaction and it’s certainly not something to feel ashamed about.

A word of reassurance

If you’ve ever sat in your car after pickup feeling embarrassed, upset or worried after an incident report, you’re not alone. In the early years, children are still learning:

how to communicate
how to regulate emotions
how to cope with frustration
how to exist in busy social environments

And childcare asks a lot of them. Behaviours like biting, hitting and pushing can absolutely be challenging, but they are also often a very normal part of early childhood development. With calm support, strong relationships and consistent guidance from both educators and families, most children continue developing the emotional and social skills they need over time.