13 positive behaviour management strategies
If your child's behaviour is wearing you down by the end of the day, you're in good company. In its national poll on child behaviour, the Royal Children's Hospital found that one in four Australian parents (27%) feel stressed by their child's behaviour every day, and a third (32%) often feel overwhelmed by it. The reassuring news is that the same poll found 95% of parents already use positive strategies like praise, attention, and reward, and these are exactly the techniques that work best.
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Why do young children misbehave?
Challenging behaviour is a normal part of growing up, not a sign that you're doing something wrong. Children push boundaries and find it hard to regulate their emotions because their brains are still building the skills to do so, and how they behave shifts with their age, temperament, and the situation they're in. According to RCH poll director and paediatrician Dr Anthea Rhodes, understanding the reasons behind a behaviour helps parents respond more sensitively and more effectively. Around two in three parents (69%) feel stressed by their child's behaviour at least once a week, so if some days feel relentless, that experience is widely shared.
Do positive behaviour strategies work?
Yes. Positive reinforcement, which means responding to the behaviour you want with praise, attention, and encouragement, is more effective than punishment because it teaches a child what to do rather than only what to avoid. As Dr Rhodes explains, children's brains are wired for attention, and the best attention you can give is a positive response to desired behaviour. Punitive or negative discipline tends to backfire, because it centres on the unwanted behaviour instead of modelling and reinforcing the behaviour you want to see.
What are positive behaviour management strategies?
Positive behaviour management means guiding children toward good behaviour through clear expectations, encouragement, and consistency, rather than through punishment. The following 13 strategies work just as well at home as they do in early childhood settings, and they give children the structure and feedback they need to learn self-control.
- Keep rules simple and easy to understand. Agree on a few clear rules, talk them through with your child, and repeat them often. Inviting your child's own suggestions helps too. Good examples include "help each other," "take care of our belongings," "say please and thank you," and "be kind to each other."
- Use "do" instead of "don't". Tell children what you want them to do rather than what to stop doing. Try "slow down and walk" instead of "stop running," "hold my hand" instead of "don't touch," "keep your feet on the floor" instead of "don't climb on the table," and "use a quiet voice inside" instead of "stop shouting."
- Talk with children, not at them. Children tune out when they're lectured or shouted at. Get down to their eye level, look at them, and speak with them rather than over them. Give them time to respond, and listen to their point of view.
- Set a good example. Children watch how the adults around them handle anger, frustration, sadness, and joy. The way you apologise, cope, and treat other people teaches them more about behaviour than any rule does.
- Encourage children to set good examples for each other. Children learn a great deal from their peers, so encourage them to share, play fairly, and show kindness to one another.
- Give clear, simple choices. Only offer a choice when one truly exists. A toddler can pick the red cup or the green cup, and a preschooler can choose between playing "airport" and "zookeeper." Avoid dressing up an instruction as a choice, since "it's nap time, would you like to lie down now?" isn't a real option if rest is non-negotiable.
- Show respect for children. Talk about misbehaviour privately rather than in front of others. Remind your child of the reason for the rule, and discuss what they could do differently next time.
- Catch them being good. Every child wants attention, and positive attention for good behaviour works far better than negative attention for misbehaviour. Find something positive to comment on each day, and ideally several times a day. Naming the good in front of other people makes it land even more.
- Coach, don't cheerlead. A cheerleader offers vague praise like "great job" or "what a lovely picture." A coach tells a child exactly what they did well and why, which turns praise into teaching. Instead of "good job," try "you set the table so well, you put the forks and spoons in the right spots and remembered the napkins."
- Use play to teach social skills. Join your child's pretend play and model good manners and kindness from inside the game. Read books where characters work through problems, and play "what if" games that let children rehearse cooperating with others.
- Teach problem-solving and conflict resolution. Help your child name their feelings, pinpoint the problem, think up a few possible solutions, and try one out. These are skills they'll draw on for the rest of their lives.
- Teach children to apologise. Saying sorry is a learned skill. By around age four, children begin to understand that an apology helps make up for hurting someone. Keep it simple at first, such as "Lucas, I'm sorry I hit you." With practice, teach the four steps of a good apology: look at the other child, say their name, say "I'm sorry," and say why.
- Teach children to fix their mistakes. When a child makes a mess, involve them in putting it right. Hand them a cloth to wipe the wall they drew on, or a broom for the food they threw. Even if they can't fix it completely, taking part teaches them that actions have consequences, which builds self-control over time.
How can childcare help with managing behaviour?
Early childhood educators are a real asset when your child is going through a tricky phase like hitting or biting. A behavioural phase doesn't mean your child can't attend care, because educators are experienced in guiding behaviour and will work alongside you. The most effective approach is a consistent one, so good services set clear, simple standards of behaviour, share them with families, and encourage you to use the same approach at home. When the expectations and the language match across home and care, children learn them faster.
When should you get help with your child's behaviour?
If you're regularly feeling overwhelmed, or losing your temper and then feeling guilty, that's a signal to reach out, and doing so is a sign of good parenting rather than failure. Dr Rhodes recommends speaking with friends and family or your GP for advice and support. Your GP can also point you toward extra help if a behaviour is persistent, escalating, or affecting your child's daily life.
Find childcare that backs your approach
A great early learning service will partner with you on behaviour, using the same calm, consistent strategies you rely on at home. You can search and compare childcare near you on Care for Kids, read parent reviews, and ask each service how they guide children's behaviour day to day.
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FAQs
What is positive behaviour management?
Positive behaviour management is an approach that guides children toward good behaviour using clear rules, encouragement, and consistency rather than punishment. It works by reinforcing the behaviour you want to see, through praise, attention, and reward, so children learn what to do rather than only what to avoid.
What are some examples of positive behaviour strategies?
Common examples include keeping rules few and simple, phrasing instructions as "do" rather than "don't," catching your child being good and praising it specifically, offering real choices, and involving children in fixing their own mistakes. Each one gives a child clear, encouraging feedback about how to behave.
Is praising children too much a bad thing?
No, but how you praise matters. Specific, descriptive praise that tells a child exactly what they did well, such as "you shared your toys with your brother," is more effective than vague praise like "good girl." This coach-not-cheerleader approach turns encouragement into learning.
At what age can children understand discipline and apologising?
Toddlers respond best to simple, consistent limits and gentle redirection. By around four years of age, most children start to grasp that apologising helps make up for hurting someone, so it's a good age to begin teaching the steps of a sincere apology.
Does physical discipline work?
No. Physical discipline is not an effective way to encourage good behaviour, and it can have lasting negative effects, including reduced self-esteem. It focuses on what not to do rather than teaching the behaviour you want, and just over half of Australian parents (51%) say it is never acceptable.
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